Sweet Glorious Mess…

It’s been long … I know. But I am back.

I was sick, still I am. It will take time to recover.

I abused my mind and body. My alcohol addiction reached its peak, this summer.

I don’t have any reason to give for my excessive drinking. All I can say is, I loved it. I enjoyed drinking before having lunch and dinner.

I thought I had the will power to control my addiction. But today, it seems like, alcohol had more will power to control me.

Alcohol was my constant companion for 19 years.

No no no. I have not created any troubles for others due to my drinking. I always drank alone.

I used to visit pubs regularly.

My daughters came here for their summer vacation. One and half months they were with me. I enjoyed that one and half months but at the same time I was getting more and more attached to alcohol.

I always drank when they were here, while preparing their lunch or dinner.

On top of it, I started lying to them and started to make excuses to go to my studio, and drink.

Alcohol triggers depression.

Some people can write when they are sad. I cannot do that. Sadness never forced me to write. I can write only if I am in my normal state of mind.

Umm…I have to admit that sadness forced me to write to people and circumstances which made me sad.

I might have hurt them in the process. It didn’t help me to get over the sadness. It actually made me more sad thinking, ‘why I have to question their decisions’.

It has lot to do a lot with feelings.

‘Now what did feelings do?’

Nothing. I just hate ‘feelings’ because it has a tendency to change; be it love; be it hatred.

Anyway, the day my daughters left, I met Dr. Sarika and with the help of the medicines she prescribed, I was able to get rid of the addiction.

But, not without paying a price. Why everything in life comes with a price tag? I don’t know.

As a result of all that, I am in deep trouble, right now; physically, mentally and financially.

Zero energy to live. Zero bank balance.

Fine. So, I failed. Again, in 2017. Had been in the same situation in 2004 and 2009.

But this time, I failed elegantly than any time in my life; penny less, depression and health issues. Nice!

It’s for the first time in my life that my three difficult friends came to visit me together.

When they three come together, they can start a fire – and it burned many bridges.

I tried to extinguish the fire with an expensive brand of salt water called the ‘Tears’.

It didn’t help.

Great!

Hello… I am stranded on this island with a bag full of medicines, a can of Red bull, a packet of cigarettes and a laptop.

So, what am I going to do next?

Easy. Now there is nothing to lose. I like this state of mine.

The only way out is to start again.

Ah… easy to say but very difficult to execute as there are no bridges left to reach the mainland.

‘Then?’

Going to take baby steps. Nothing is end of the world.

Life would have been really boring if everything ran smoothly on that bridge.

Actually, God or someone gave me a chance to do new things today. That is how I am going to look at it.

I was trapped in a comfort zone for several years.

Comfort zone will have different meaning, for different people.

For me, it means my free bird life.

Today, I am not really a free bird because I have taken loans to repair my damaged vehicle; which I am going to use for my life’s journey.

I am answerable to my Creditors.

So, starting today, I am going to start my life from zero and I am going to record each and every event.

This time, without any particular goals. At 44, I think I have achieved whatever I wanted. There is nothing more to prove to myself. But, there are two large creditors and students who stood by me, even after knowing everything about me.

Now there is a pressure on me and that pressure can take me forward.

I am going to sell my music and writing. Something which I never wanted to do till yesterday.

‘Why too much Virginia Woolf today?’

Because I hate her.

Because, whatever I wanted to write, she wrote it in her suicide note approximately 77 years ago. Too bad.

Now what is there for me write?

I don’t want to copy her. I want to be me. So, the best thing I can do differently than her, is to live more and show others that I do love them and I care about them.

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