Some people say ‘I Love You’ to their loved ones, almost daily.
But, I say “I am sorry’ daily to my wife and daughters.
I am not a good example of someone who should be like a husband or a father, I know.
The marriage did not change my life. It didn’t change anything. Kids didn’t change me also.
At times, I feel that I am still that immature boy. I don’t think even a small boy would do such silly stupid things like that I have done after getting married.
Seeing all that, so many people have asked me this question, “Why did you get married?”
I don’t have a clear answer for that.
I liked someone. I wanted to be with her, and what were the options available to me to do in those days?
Can I ask her to start living together?
I wanted kids, can I have kids without marrying? Of course, I can have kids, but you know what I meant. Will she or the society allow me to do that?
No one will get married thinking it will not work, right?
Same with me. The only problem was, I did not adapt well to the change.
Maybe, I am too selfish. I need my space, I cannot let go my goals and sacrifice my time and dreams.
I thought I could change, but I failed. Marriage or kids did not change me.
Actually, I changed them; my family members, because they made changes in their life to accommodate me. I am sure. No doubt.
I have done all kinds of mistakes that could easily break a marriage.
I feel bad about myself… Especially when they don’t complain about anything. They got no demands. They are okay with whatever little we have.
At times, I feel so guilty and I ask them to take all our assets and leave me and go somewhere because I am no good.
But, they forgive me and let me be myself. It is not easy to forgive. I know. I may not forgive and forget.
Almost every day, I do something silly or I talk about something so openly, that could cause pain and anger.
Something similar happened yesterday (31st) and my wife laughed told me, “You know what? Write ‘Sorry’365 times and send me 365 SMS today. I can open one daily in 2017 and forgive you. In that way, you don’t have to call and tell me that you screwed up each time. Only the year is going to be a Happy “New” Year. You are the same old person. You won’t change”
Yesterday, I think I got the answer to the question that people ask me most…its been 18 years and still people ask me the same question…
‘Why did you get married?”
She refuses to give up. Her courage to stay and weather the storm is amazing. She has never asked me to change. Always asked me to follow my heart.
She read my blogs and tells me all the time, “don’t edit anything. If I don’t have a problem with what you write, why worry”.
I call her Mumma. For her, I am a kid. A spoiled kid, immature than a three-year-old.
Hope this year it will be different. Hope I can do things which might help me reduce the ‘sorry’ and replace it with ‘Love you’.
But my worry is, if I talk and behave like a good husband and father, my family would leave me. They are not used to it. They might feel very uncomfortable. 🙂
If I say ‘I love you’ to Mumma today, she would laugh and ask me, “Seriously? Are you okay? What is wrong with you today? Why are you acting so weird? Did you drink a lot last night? You need a green tea or orange juice to get rid of the hangover?”